my mom has cancer

My mom has cancer.  I guess I should have started getting this shit out when she was diagnosed months ago, but I was too busy freaking out.  I developed an ulcer, missed work due to back spasms, had a lot of trouble with food including not being able to eat it, keep it down, etc.  I have never had such a physical reaction to stress before.

I guess I just wasn't letting myself freak out completely.  I felt guilty when I got emotional about it because I thought I had no right to feel sorry for myself.  I don't have cancer.  Why am I the one crying?  So I took on physical pain in order to block the emotional pain.

I tried to quit smoking.  It didn't take.  I smoked more.  Surprisingly, I didn't drink more, but that's probably because my stomach was on fire every day.  There are better drugs for such ailments.  I took those.  A few weeks ago I tried to quit smoking again, that also didn't take.  So I'm smoking.  A lot.

About a month ago, my mother started experiencing horrible back pain, which eventually landed her in the hospital.  She contacted her regular doctor, who gave her shitty pain pills that didn't work and the run around when she asked for something else.  So she called her oncologist, who gave her something better and told her that the pain might be due to metastasized cancer in her bones.  (Smoke, smoke, smoke)
Turns out, she fractured a couple of vertebrae.  Better, but not really.

I've been sporadically taking her pain pills.
I feel like I'm not in control of my mind.